Out of the blue, I miss blogging and started googling for my friends who I used to be so close with, who I love them with all I can, who matters to me so much more than myself. Albeit my secondary school days aren't fantastic, I can't deny I've had my fair share of fun with my friends. I miss how I used to buy a bar of chocolate with my bestfriend everyday after school, talking about everything while walking back home togther under the hot sun.. I miss how we used to laugh so much during our lunch breaks, laughing for over an hour or so, joking about silly issues which not everyone will laugh at. I miss how I used to make sandwiches for everyone, I miss eating cookies and chips in class with my partner. I miss staying back in school, waiting for every chance just to steal a glance at my crush (lol). The things I miss, the people I miss, the chances I miss, are too much to list, it's neverending, time can't be rewind, neither can I go back to the good ol' days.
Right now, all I can think of is, how thin I used to be. I miss being thin, I miss hunger. The fact that I can hardly feel my ribcage and hip bones upset me so much to the extent that I feel like ending my life right now. I miss how self-controlled I was, I miss those extreme dieting I used to go through, I miss all those obsessions with skinny girls. I am not dieting right now, neither am I counting calories, neither am I exercising obsessively, neither am I trying to lose my weight, I just want to be healthy. But all these thoughts rarely last long, because every time I see a girl skinner than me, I will start to self-pity, wallowing, deep inside my heart belittling myself, chiding myself for the lack of self control, the inferiority complex within me, the reminders of how thin I was and comparing my current state, feeling so fat inside. I've grown up with angsty, shame, depression, greed, restrictions, I was never a normal teenager. I want to be normal, and happy, and thin, why can't I? I can only blame myself for all these shit I'm experiencing, no one else is able to help me through. Asking myself constantly why can't I be pretty, is useless, unless I start acting on it, I have to start controlling my appetite. I hate my flabby arms and thighs, I hate my balloned stomach, I hate how heavy I feel, I hate feeling fat. I hate how everyone seems to be happy when I've gained weight, as if they're rejoicing over the misfortune that I'm no longer pretty. I believe all humans are selfish in some other ways, it's just different degree of it, I believe everyone is jealous of me when I was thin, that's why they encouraged me to gain some weight. How silly I am to believe them. Pea brain. I have to be thin, smart, healthy, only then I can be happy.
